A few years ago we were I think getting ready for Passover, and Aster, my younger child, was helping out in the kitchen. Aster was about 8 or 9. And I said to him ‘and now I’m going to show you the secret to Grandma Ray’s chicken matzo ball soup.’ And he looked at me and said confidently ‘love.’
And I smiled, and I replied ‘soup cubes.’
Aster was right to assume that bubbie’s secret ingredient in her food was love. She was for all the members of this family the standard by which we all come to understand what love is. And not coincidentally, she very often expressed it through food. If she had picked up a particularly good basket of strawberries, she would say ‘oooh taste this markie.’ And my sister did a fantastic job of describing how her banana bread in the circular mold was just perfect - and that she never made one - she always made two and froze one for you to take home, along with a bag of groceries which she acquired with her coupons. One time she gave me a sack of groceries and on top was two cans of cat food and I said ‘bubbie I don’t have a cat’ and she said ‘yes but I had a coupon.’
But my grandmother’s relationship to food was simply an expression of her love for her family, which was a boundless and pure love, and I think taught all of us the very definition of love. Trying to explain and intellectualize Love is complicated and elusive, but for us it can be easily defined. We all understand love by the way Grandma Ray loved us - in hugs and laughs and food and the admonition of ‘put on a sweater’ even though it might be 90 degrees outside.
Her love was ever more amazing considering what a difficult and remarkable life she led. She was born September 18, 1927, in the town of Rakov Poland, which she would explain always as ‘not the big Rakov by Warsaw but the little Rakov between Czestechowa and Kielce.’ When the Nazis came through Poland, she and all the Jews of the town hid in the forest, and one day while walking to get bread from a farm with her sister Gela, the two returned to find all the other Jews of the town had been murdered. And since Gela passed a few years ago, my grandmothers death also marks a small moment in history - she was the last Jew of Rakov - the carrier of all the memories of that place. She and Gela survived by their wits and the kindness of a man none of us will ever know in a county registrars office who gave her false papers and a polish catholic name. Rachel came to America in 1946, settling in Santa Barbara by her sister, where she met John Freisleben at a USO dance. They got married, moved to Burbank, and had Marilyn, Alan, and Jerry.
There’s a longer version of this story, and I know it very well, because as a rabbi who has also taught or spoken about the Shoah, I often recount the story of my grandmothers survival, emphasizing or exploring different aspects in different years and with different audiences. And that’s always been a strange experience, because I think almost all of us know that Grandma never talked about surviving the holocaust, and never would tell that story. It was simply too painful for her. Instead, I was entrusted with that memory, and I take it as a holy responsibility to share it in a way that helps make sense of the senselessness of hate and violence for the people of today. When I teach the Holocaust class to Intro to Judaism each year, I take it as a sacred duty to do my best to reduce the inconceivable number - 6 million - down to just one family, and then impart upon folks that my grandmother is more than more than just a survivor, but a real person who as a young girl emerged from an enormous tragedy to build a life. Her parents and siblings are not just five more names on massive list of victims. There was once aplace called Rakov and a family called the Basers. So much was lost in their deaths, but in remembering them, I bring them to life again for a brief moment, and my students now understand that the loss of Rakov is a profound tragedy amidst a vast sea of tragedy.
But also, we, the Freislebens transcended that tragedy by rebuilding an odd new Rakov at 1824 Hilton Dr in Burbank California. In starting over and celebrating simchas and Jewish holidays together, John and Rachel created new memories to replace the old. We celebrated so many Rosh Hashanahs and Passovers in the back den at bubbie and johns - towels on the couches, grandma yelling at marilyn during the seder ‘hurry up! The brisket will get cold!’ She made such a great life for herself and for her family - and there have been so many joys and celebrations. One of the most remarkable things about her was, of course, her immense pride in the success of her children and grandchildren. It is something both incredible and incredibly American that a woman who came to this country with nothing, speaking no English and holding nothing beyond a middle school education would eventually see all of her children go to college, and then see all six of her grandchildren go to college, all the while beaming with pride every time any of us did well on a test or were given an award by saying, matter-of-factly ‘All my kids are smart!’
The last few years since Rachel’s stroke were hard - both for her and on our family. The stroke struck at her memory, which meant that she didn’t really remember where or when she was in time, or who people were – and it’s hard to see a grandmother who treated each and every one of her grandchildren as special be unable to make out who we were. And that was hard at first. But, for me, I moved past it with a simple understanding - and that is that Gramma Ray was not so much the sum total of her memories, good and bad, but rather, especially in her final years, existed in love. She was grateful to see us, and she knew she was loved, and as long as she was able to speak, she would say ‘I love you’ to us.
The central most prayer in Judaism is the Shema, and the second most important prayer follows right after it - the Ve’Ahavata - the prayer that tells us ‘and you shall love the lord your God, with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might.’ And the traditional commentators of the Talmud and Middle Ages struggle with this idea. How are we to express our love for an infinite and immortal creator? The paragraph before helps with that understanding - the preliminary prayer to VeAhavta begins with the words ‘Ahava Rabbah ahavtanu, adonai eloheinu, chemla gedolah v’teira chamalta aleinu’ - with a boundless love you have loved us, oh God, with great mercy you have been compassionate’. And the prayer goes to mention the ways God loves us three times, and the way we love God three times? What is a deep and boundless Divine Love? I would never have known, if it were not for my grandmother, who loved others so deeply and so boundlessly that only God could be her equal. In her love I have an understanding of Gods love. In being blessed with someone as amazing and loving, I will be forever grateful. In commending her life and soul back to God, her love returns to the One that created her with an infinite capacity for loving others. The secret of God’s love is matzo balls. And soup cubes. And Gramma Ray.
…
In the words of our tradition, she is gathered to her people - returned at last to her parents, Malka and Asher, and her siblings, Simcha, Itzik, Gela, and Faigel, and to Johnny, who I imagine has been waiting in the beyond with his hearing aids making noise for Rachel to arrive and tell him ‘Johnny, you’re ringing.’

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